Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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