Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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