i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
