i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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