i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
