He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
time to smoke my breakfast
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
