It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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