Even the bartender felt bad for me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
