I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
