I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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