I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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