i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
