if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
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IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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