I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
