I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
