dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
