you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
