sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
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He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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