Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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