if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
