i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
