no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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