When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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