did you get engaged???
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The air taste purple.
Randomize
