do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
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I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
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I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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