made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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