Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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