I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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