I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
