im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
