Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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