Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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