What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Pooping to opera.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
