If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
