Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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