Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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