From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
