he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
