ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
