DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just gargled with NyQuil
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
