i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
