Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
