You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
