she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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