He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
