tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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