We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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