My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just google imaged poop.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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