Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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