i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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