You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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