i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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