I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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