I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
