Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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