I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
