he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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