Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
