the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
