either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
