woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
