I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
